Writing Change

I’m going to be honest and spare everyone the “why the rant?” question and say outright, this is an anger-filled entry that is long overdue. As far as editing, well I suppose we’ll just see the end result and judge for ourselves.

Starting off, I’d like to pinpoint on a few “things” I’ve noticed as this year comes to a close, and no, the following list is no measure as to what’s more important simply due to its placement.

Reasons Why I Avoided Just About Everyone In 2009:

• You’re not worth my time.
• You’re a lying asshole.
• You’re a sneaky bitch.
• You’re ungrateful.
• I’m better than you.
• I’m worse than you.
• I’m over you.
• I’m over it.
• Family is means family. (Which includes respecting one another)
• You’re disrespectful.
• Your motivations are bottom feeding.
• Everyone else dislikes you and you do/don’t know it.
• You’re selfish.
• You’re jealous.
• I’m jealous.
• I’m too fat.
• I’m too ashamed to go out because I’m fat.
• I’m not that fat.
• I just don’t give a shit.
• I want to give a shit.
• Because my daughter means more to me than you ever have, or ever will.
• You’re arguments are, no joke, 100% invalid.

So in a nutshell, it’s plain to see how terrible this year was.  The one and only shining star, was my little star: Bella Madison. If ever a reason to keep going, to keep looking forward to happier, settled times, she is that reason. I’d be nothing without her.

Now, WHY am I writing this? Well, duh. It’s the closing of 2009 and having gone over the Christmas week in my head, replaying the horrific, crash festival that it turned out to be, I’m bitter and resentful that I’ve let myself become “that” person. You know who I mean. The one person anyone can do, say or push over on you without so much as a “fuck you, come again.” But don’t dare speak of me as being an ingrate. This is deserved, even if ignorant eyes are watching.

No more. My resolution isn’t to lose weight, or find happiness in the things and people that make me happy. Nope, those are out played and the records have long been broken. I will lose weight and I will find my inner peace and joy with my life. But my resolution is this: I will not, will not, tolerate, accept or take judgment from anyone, for any reason whatsoever. If you want to scam me for personal gain, good luck trying. If you are unwelcome, I will let you know. If even a small part of me doesn’t enjoy any small part of you, I’ll also make that clear.

I’m done laying down and pretending to be that good girl. I’m not, and neither are any of you. Thanks for helping me see this. Thank you. Thank you.

.to andrew & erika. Stay the same and I will change to be the better, strong willed person I know you see me as. love.

Michael Vick. Philadelphia Eagles. Two sides. Second chances. Blah, blah, blah.

I digress.

I am not for one second “on the fence” or “confused” as to my position on this particular matter. I am completely, solidly, 100% against him playing football, forget the fact that it’s for my home team. [Although that stings a bit.] Vick’s actions prior to his arrest were one step away from essentially being a serial killer. But, how many psychological profiles have been drawn up, stapled together and thrown into countless FBI, CIA and general law enforcement folders that list the “torture of animals and the enjoyment therein” as one of the main characteristics of a murderer? You’re nodding in realization to the comparison at this point?

Exactly.

He beat, electrocuted, drowned, starved and killed those dogs as if they were existing solely as a means to his daily pleasure. But let’s not forget the NFL. Crap, I forgot. He did that for fun.

So they caught him, he cried his apologies (along with many false tears), then sent him packing for two years. TWO YEARS. An atrocity of minimal time for crimes us minions would serve seven to ten years rotting in a dark hole [read: jail] for. Before jumping to conclusions, no, I am not singularly enraged at his short punishment, although I do believe it’s slightly (HUGELY) ridiculous, but again, who am I?

Now he’s been released, receiving a several million dollar payout and igniting a small civil war between the patrons of this already fickle city. Some are screaming “disgrace, sick, unbelievable” while others are calmly displaying their heartless needs for a winning team [it's our time, right?]. Selfish and wrong. I don’t believe individuals such as he can ever be truly remorseful. He’s simply full of regret for his capture and convictions. Embarrassing how it must be, when everyone turned their cold, hard shoulders to him once the whistle had been blown.

And now we’re supposed to, what exactly? Ignore the mentally sick crimes he committed for money (apparently, the NFL pays terribly) and accept him with open arms…because we are die-hard fans? Kiss my ass. No apologies to those this offends, nor will I go back on my words in regards to this subject.

He should have served a full prison term, remained banned/suspended from the National Football League and lived out the rest of his days with bloody hands and a constant sense of betrayal*. His supporters care nothing for him or what he had done. They see super bowl potential and a hail Mary pass into an end zone that will not hold the same excitement and fever as before, or, until he is gone from my city.

Oh, and don’t you dare accuse me of being an untrue fan. I suppose it’s life I care for more than a stained, over-expensively tossed pigskin.

_

PS. If Philadelphia believed in second chances so dearly, why is it, every year, all “fans” blast the team for the removal of Andy Reid? Remember folks, no one gives a shit about what you (or I) think.

PSS. But perhaps this stirs the pot a bit.

*…at the least.

I am walking/running the 5k challenge in my home city of Philadelphia, PA this year, in hopes of finding a cure for cancer. But, I cannot do that without your help. If you follow the link provided below, you will find my LS Donation page, to raise funds to battle against the #1 killer: Cancer.

I also have roughly 100 LiveStrong wrist bands on hand – 50 adult/50 youth, that I am selling for $2.00 a piece (2x the price for sale, simply to raise the maximum amount of donations possible!!). If you are interested, I am easily and readily available to draw up PayPal invoices for the desired amount of both quantity and total price – FREE SHIPPING! (Comment and I will contact you)

Again, even if you don’t have any spare cash or change to donate, drop me and email and I can send out promotional items, such as buttons and stickers to those interested in spreading the word and helping The Lance Armstrong Foundation!!

Link: http://bit.ly/1bws3J

Please pass the word along! I’m on Twitter @hernewobsession if you would like regular related updates on the progress as well as my general life rants!

Finally. And by finally, I’m really saying – F I N A L L Y ! ! ! But enough of the celebration for now – any more distractions and it may never be posted. Which is the polar opposite of completion (the goal of this exercise).

Read more

Just…wonderful. Yes, it is my new obsession. :->

Given the fact that I am currently on book 3 of 4 in the Twilight Saga, I won’t spoil myself by reading all 263 unedited pages of Midnight Sun (yet!) – Edward Cullen’s take on the original novel. However… I will link the official website of one, Stephenie Meyer, in hopes to continue the legal download of her now, unfinished book (thanks to the pirates who stole her work in progress, she is no longer finishing Midnight Sun).

So – in short, I am obsessed with Twilight and will write more on that later, but for the moment:

http://tinyurl.com/6nwbtv

Having posted my “resolutions” list only a couple of days back, I never expected to have my words challenge me so quickly. Explanation? Why, surely.

If you review my previous post here, you’ll notice that the first item on said list is “Do not ever give up hope.” Now, don’t get me wrong or misconstrue my own intentions concerning my life: I would not have written that (especially as the first ‘to-resolve’ marker out of 12) if I hadn’t planned on following through with it, my only complaint is the timing. I wrote those words on January 7th. On January 8th, I nearly lost hope.

A brief description as to why…

My pregnancy hasn’t been the storybook princess finds her prince charming type, probably as a result of my own stress induced…stress. I was utterly unprepared, shocked and left feeling quite alone in the beginning, through no fault of anyone but my own irresponsibility. Finding out your going to have a child while you’re on unemployment, living home with your parents, not married, not engaged and without health insurance is probably bad start, no? But, luckily I had the one advantage not many women in my described situation have: a good, loving man who’s just as in love with me, as I am with him (among many other pluses).

Then we hit the 12 week bleeding-blues, brought on by dehydration. If somehow I can stomach the strength to peer back in time, September 5th, 2008 changed my life. The amount of superstitions and mental what-ifs in my life had quadrupled, thus causing me to become semi depressed, alongside the budding symptoms of an introvert. No matter what I or anyone else had said to me during those two weeks on Doctor ordered bed rest, I could not grab the proverbial “bull by the horns” and find happiness in being pregnant anymore. It seemed as though the one thing I had hoped for so dearly was awarded to me, but I had not read the fine print beneath that ever present life-asterisk.*

Do I think I am getting my just desserts? I’m not the one who can call such a unfavorable shot, but I am discovering the moral of the story: I am thankful. I am thankful for being without a job, without his last name, without my own roof for her to call “home,” without a proper beginning to her start. I am thankful for these lessons learned from all the withouts, all of the desires – fulfilled and lacking, all of the pain and blood, the tests failed and yet to be performed, because it’s all here to teach me one single lesson:

The personal resolve to never, ever give up hope.

Resolutions. Code word for goals, perhaps? Most of us are unsure as to which side we pair ourselves with throughout the year (especially in the beginning of another 365 day revolution) but the lines seems blurry to me.

Do I resolve myself to giving up fatty foods and unsightly/unhealthy habits? Or do I lay the tracks for what should be a productive twelve months ahead of me, based on my unfulfilled desires to date? The latter seems more goal-oriented then setting another “resolution” with myself. Either way, I’ve had exactly 7 days to mull over my “want to accomplish” ideas/items since ringing in 2009, so please take it for what its worth: absolutely nothing to [most] of you, and absolutely everything to me.

RESOLUTION 2009:

1. Do not ever give up hope.
2. Always pray for the things I’ve been given, as well as that which I haven’t been offered.
3. Set my life according to my watch. Too often do I revolve my schedules around others, forgetting my wants in the process.
4. Be kind to my family. I wouldn’t be here without them, or their support.
5. Leave the past exactly where it is: in the past.
6. Stay focused. I often overwhelm myself with personal interests and end up wasting hours staring at walls, the end resulting in 0 productivity.
7. Be calm. The world is terrible enough without adding stress to my life. [We don't need another hot head!]
8. Find my passion and follow it through the gates of hell, just to see it through.
9. Be a good mother, friend, lover and relative.
10. Always be ready for change, and always accept it with open arms.
11. Do not fear the unknown. We’re all in this together.
12. Write.*

So, dare I pose the diablical question – Resolutions or Goals? I see a few elements of both parties in my long-short list, but I doubt the definition determines the outcome. In closing, here’s praying I have more success in 2009 then I did in 2008, whether it be earned, given or fallen upon my lap.

*Definitely a goal. Just to clarify.

Is officially her new obsession.

Two words:

Watch out.

It’s coming.

__

UPDATE: Obviously, I never wrote this post. And it seems silly at the moment to complete said promise. Perhaps when our favorite caped crusader flaps into IMAX theaters later this month will I follow through with this.

Haters are gonna hate.

It’s women like these that make my brain ache with the overwhelming desire to reach across the table and slam that cast iron pan across their ridiculous skulls.

Jealous tendencies occur when one is unable to afford said “sexist” gadget, and thus, it turns into this tell tale debate on whether Apple or the iPhone is “complying with societies childish rules,” just to pass the politically correct exam at the end of the year.

This post is dedicated to all the non bitchy women in the world, who like myself, appreciate the iPhone for what it is, and not what [ridiculous] need of yours it doesn’t “fulfill.”