Writing Change

Having posted my “resolutions” list only a couple of days back, I never expected to have my words challenge me so quickly. Explanation? Why, surely.

If you review my previous post here, you’ll notice that the first item on said list is “Do not ever give up hope.” Now, don’t get me wrong or misconstrue my own intentions concerning my life: I would not have written that (especially as the first ‘to-resolve’ marker out of 12) if I hadn’t planned on following through with it, my only complaint is the timing. I wrote those words on January 7th. On January 8th, I nearly lost hope.

A brief description as to why…

My pregnancy hasn’t been the storybook princess finds her prince charming type, probably as a result of my own stress induced…stress. I was utterly unprepared, shocked and left feeling quite alone in the beginning, through no fault of anyone but my own irresponsibility. Finding out your going to have a child while you’re on unemployment, living home with your parents, not married, not engaged and without health insurance is probably bad start, no? But, luckily I had the one advantage not many women in my described situation have: a good, loving man who’s just as in love with me, as I am with him (among many other pluses).

Then we hit the 12 week bleeding-blues, brought on by dehydration. If somehow I can stomach the strength to peer back in time, September 5th, 2008 changed my life. The amount of superstitions and mental what-ifs in my life had quadrupled, thus causing me to become semi depressed, alongside the budding symptoms of an introvert. No matter what I or anyone else had said to me during those two weeks on Doctor ordered bed rest, I could not grab the proverbial “bull by the horns” and find happiness in being pregnant anymore. It seemed as though the one thing I had hoped for so dearly was awarded to me, but I had not read the fine print beneath that ever present life-asterisk.*

Do I think I am getting my just desserts? I’m not the one who can call such a unfavorable shot, but I am discovering the moral of the story: I am thankful. I am thankful for being without a job, without his last name, without my own roof for her to call “home,” without a proper beginning to her start. I am thankful for these lessons learned from all the withouts, all of the desires – fulfilled and lacking, all of the pain and blood, the tests failed and yet to be performed, because it’s all here to teach me one single lesson:

The personal resolve to never, ever give up hope.