Writing Change

I’m going to be honest and spare everyone the “why the rant?” question and say outright, this is an anger-filled entry that is long overdue. As far as editing, well I suppose we’ll just see the end result and judge for ourselves.

Starting off, I’d like to pinpoint on a few “things” I’ve noticed as this year comes to a close, and no, the following list is no measure as to what’s more important simply due to its placement.

Reasons Why I Avoided Just About Everyone In 2009:

• You’re not worth my time.
• You’re a lying asshole.
• You’re a sneaky bitch.
• You’re ungrateful.
• I’m better than you.
• I’m worse than you.
• I’m over you.
• I’m over it.
• Family is means family. (Which includes respecting one another)
• You’re disrespectful.
• Your motivations are bottom feeding.
• Everyone else dislikes you and you do/don’t know it.
• You’re selfish.
• You’re jealous.
• I’m jealous.
• I’m too fat.
• I’m too ashamed to go out because I’m fat.
• I’m not that fat.
• I just don’t give a shit.
• I want to give a shit.
• Because my daughter means more to me than you ever have, or ever will.
• You’re arguments are, no joke, 100% invalid.

So in a nutshell, it’s plain to see how terrible this year was.  The one and only shining star, was my little star: Bella Madison. If ever a reason to keep going, to keep looking forward to happier, settled times, she is that reason. I’d be nothing without her.

Now, WHY am I writing this? Well, duh. It’s the closing of 2009 and having gone over the Christmas week in my head, replaying the horrific, crash festival that it turned out to be, I’m bitter and resentful that I’ve let myself become “that” person. You know who I mean. The one person anyone can do, say or push over on you without so much as a “fuck you, come again.” But don’t dare speak of me as being an ingrate. This is deserved, even if ignorant eyes are watching.

No more. My resolution isn’t to lose weight, or find happiness in the things and people that make me happy. Nope, those are out played and the records have long been broken. I will lose weight and I will find my inner peace and joy with my life. But my resolution is this: I will not, will not, tolerate, accept or take judgment from anyone, for any reason whatsoever. If you want to scam me for personal gain, good luck trying. If you are unwelcome, I will let you know. If even a small part of me doesn’t enjoy any small part of you, I’ll also make that clear.

I’m done laying down and pretending to be that good girl. I’m not, and neither are any of you. Thanks for helping me see this. Thank you. Thank you.

.to andrew & erika. Stay the same and I will change to be the better, strong willed person I know you see me as. love.