Writing Change

Just…wonderful. Yes, it is my new obsession. :->

Given the fact that I am currently on book 3 of 4 in the Twilight Saga, I won’t spoil myself by reading all 263 unedited pages of Midnight Sun (yet!) – Edward Cullen’s take on the original novel. However… I will link the official website of one, Stephenie Meyer, in hopes to continue the legal download of her now, unfinished book (thanks to the pirates who stole her work in progress, she is no longer finishing Midnight Sun).

So – in short, I am obsessed with Twilight and will write more on that later, but for the moment:

http://tinyurl.com/6nwbtv

Having posted my “resolutions” list only a couple of days back, I never expected to have my words challenge me so quickly. Explanation? Why, surely.

If you review my previous post here, you’ll notice that the first item on said list is “Do not ever give up hope.” Now, don’t get me wrong or misconstrue my own intentions concerning my life: I would not have written that (especially as the first ‘to-resolve’ marker out of 12) if I hadn’t planned on following through with it, my only complaint is the timing. I wrote those words on January 7th. On January 8th, I nearly lost hope.

A brief description as to why…

My pregnancy hasn’t been the storybook princess finds her prince charming type, probably as a result of my own stress induced…stress. I was utterly unprepared, shocked and left feeling quite alone in the beginning, through no fault of anyone but my own irresponsibility. Finding out your going to have a child while you’re on unemployment, living home with your parents, not married, not engaged and without health insurance is probably bad start, no? But, luckily I had the one advantage not many women in my described situation have: a good, loving man who’s just as in love with me, as I am with him (among many other pluses).

Then we hit the 12 week bleeding-blues, brought on by dehydration. If somehow I can stomach the strength to peer back in time, September 5th, 2008 changed my life. The amount of superstitions and mental what-ifs in my life had quadrupled, thus causing me to become semi depressed, alongside the budding symptoms of an introvert. No matter what I or anyone else had said to me during those two weeks on Doctor ordered bed rest, I could not grab the proverbial “bull by the horns” and find happiness in being pregnant anymore. It seemed as though the one thing I had hoped for so dearly was awarded to me, but I had not read the fine print beneath that ever present life-asterisk.*

Do I think I am getting my just desserts? I’m not the one who can call such a unfavorable shot, but I am discovering the moral of the story: I am thankful. I am thankful for being without a job, without his last name, without my own roof for her to call “home,” without a proper beginning to her start. I am thankful for these lessons learned from all the withouts, all of the desires – fulfilled and lacking, all of the pain and blood, the tests failed and yet to be performed, because it’s all here to teach me one single lesson:

The personal resolve to never, ever give up hope.

Resolutions. Code word for goals, perhaps? Most of us are unsure as to which side we pair ourselves with throughout the year (especially in the beginning of another 365 day revolution) but the lines seems blurry to me.

Do I resolve myself to giving up fatty foods and unsightly/unhealthy habits? Or do I lay the tracks for what should be a productive twelve months ahead of me, based on my unfulfilled desires to date? The latter seems more goal-oriented then setting another “resolution” with myself. Either way, I’ve had exactly 7 days to mull over my “want to accomplish” ideas/items since ringing in 2009, so please take it for what its worth: absolutely nothing to [most] of you, and absolutely everything to me.

RESOLUTION 2009:

1. Do not ever give up hope.
2. Always pray for the things I’ve been given, as well as that which I haven’t been offered.
3. Set my life according to my watch. Too often do I revolve my schedules around others, forgetting my wants in the process.
4. Be kind to my family. I wouldn’t be here without them, or their support.
5. Leave the past exactly where it is: in the past.
6. Stay focused. I often overwhelm myself with personal interests and end up wasting hours staring at walls, the end resulting in 0 productivity.
7. Be calm. The world is terrible enough without adding stress to my life. [We don't need another hot head!]
8. Find my passion and follow it through the gates of hell, just to see it through.
9. Be a good mother, friend, lover and relative.
10. Always be ready for change, and always accept it with open arms.
11. Do not fear the unknown. We’re all in this together.
12. Write.*

So, dare I pose the diablical question – Resolutions or Goals? I see a few elements of both parties in my long-short list, but I doubt the definition determines the outcome. In closing, here’s praying I have more success in 2009 then I did in 2008, whether it be earned, given or fallen upon my lap.

*Definitely a goal. Just to clarify.