Writing Change

I realize my previous entry is slightly scatterbrained, and as a warning for future posts (not including this one), until my semester is officially over, don’t expect high quality writing with much depth in regards to sentence structure, grammar etc. I have too much on my plate to insure I have an appropriate flow throughout my paragraphs at the moment, but the need to expel my thoughts is overwhelming as of late.

So, I’ll be writing, just not in my best format.

That aside, the best sound in the world is your child’s laughter. Hands down.

Many reasons as to why I feel unhappy, sad, or unproductive in such a busy world can easily be detected on a day to day basis from the unfriendly faces and ignorant attitudes I outwardly display. Unless of course, I don’t really know you, in which case you’ll believe me to be one of the funniest short girls you’ve ever met. Anyone see a problem with this?

Me too.

Hence why I’m continually forcing myself in a new direction. There is no reason to hate or loathe another individual on any grounds (unless you hurt my family, red tape aside though) because it ultimately becomes a waste of vital energy and output that could have otherwise been spent on creating something unique and special. A surefire way to define and describe myself to watchful eyes. I’m sure you’re wondering what I mean by that? Maybe not. But I’m going to tell you either way because it’s my site and here we are.

‘Watchful eyes’ could be defined as my parents, my sibling, my aunts and uncles, hell, even myself. People who keep tabs on me and the life I’m leading while retaining this aire of “what I need to do”-dom in order to be happy and content on this road I am on. Newsflash! I don’t need hawking minds judging my every move or demeaning my every decision. Have I made wrong turns down a few dark alleys? Yeah. Who really, honestly hasn’t though? Seriously. I’ll cast the first stone…

I suppose I’m fed up with sharing a living space with so many people. By many, I mean two more than I’d like to. Am I grateful? Beyond a shadow of a doubt I will always remain in my parents debt. The time, love and energy spent (all while currently in their mid 50′s) to take care of my little Bella and I and Andrew has been more than anyone could ever hope for. I will be inconsolable when the day comes for us to move out. Bitter bitter sweet could best describe that days emotions. In all truthfulness, I’m slightly upset discussing in a blog. Pathetic? No. I’m not ashamed to live with my parents and I’ll accept the stigma others may look at me with. So what you are married and have a house of your own? So what you have incredible jobs that both fulfill your dreams and your wallets. You are no better than I am. Plain and simple. Let’s be even more  honest for a hot second: outside of myself, Andrew, my mother, father, sister & brother in law, and Erika, I don’t trust Bella with anyone. They don’t know her the way we do and thus, I could never expect her to be cared for properly. Is this a hurtful statement? Perhaps. Then again, maybe not. Seeing as effort has been severely lacking on some others parts. I don’t care if any of these words offend anyone, they are mine and I am too old and tired to hide my feelings because I’m “afraid” of what people might say.

Your fault.

I’m deeply disappointed by extended family and although it comes to me as no surprise, it still bothers me. I don’t know why, but it does. Every day gets a little easier and a little better, and the less I think of them, the happier I can make Bella’s life. Because I’m more pleasant when they are not involved. Mean mean mean. Oh well.

I know I am doing right by my daughter and if I am wrong by other’s standards, well, you can “suck a fuck.”

That is all for now. An abrupt end to an abrasive entry.

I know it’s probably not meant to be taken as serious as I am about to make it, but I see a lot of deforestation undertones in this picture. Snaked from explodingdog.tumblr.com – I find it to speak a louder message than pretty colors and cute birds. Having studied the downfall of our planets ecosystem and the subsequent global warming due in large part (1 of many large parts) to deforestation, one tree cut down ruins more than most realize. I am not a “tree hugger” to the core, but I do love nature and I do my part by recycling and cutting back where I can.

The facts – do I understand why trees must be cut down? Yes. Does that mean the amazon rainforest should be sized down nearly 1/4 of what it once was because we need obscene amounts of paper to print every.thing on? No. People as a whole should take a second thought when turning their HP’s on to print the receipt from yesterday’s bank transfer. In other words, don’t waste paper on stupid shit. Fair enough? Thought so.

Just a simple picture with a bigger meaning. Thoughts?

This sums up a lot of what I’m trying to change in myself. People will continually ‘hate’ things I do and go that extra step to actually tell me what they think. Then I get hurt and mope. That’s no good. So, add this to the long list of “why I want to be a better person.”

It’s inevitable that people will criticize. I care, why?

I’ve decided to just blog about everything from now on. Using both this personal site as well as LiveJournal, I am going to just blurb my life and see where it takes me. No harm, no foul. God knows I’ve got enough to say, it’s simply time that eludes me in most (lazy) cases.

More often than not I bite my tongue to avoid a backlash of negative opinions or from people seeing who I truly am. It occurs to me as of late, that I don’t give a shit damn if I offend or upset anyone. It’s who I am and what I do (that defines me?). Take me or leave me.

That being said, I cannot guarantee this blog to be interesting to all persons. Obviously we share differences, but it’s what joins us that matters most. I may not enjoy the same sports, music or jobs you have, and visa versus, but does that mean conversation will always be awkward or strained? It shouldn’t, and it won’t… unless I just dislike you. Seriously. There’s a reason why things are the way they are.

In any case, I’m trying to be a better me and by writing, I share my hopes of doing such with all of you.

Thank you in advance.

So her suggestions to get to your goal weight in a healthy, exercise/diet manner are the following:

“Diet is always key in building up your frame. You want enough protein, but don’t go overboard, otherwise you will look more like Chyna than you will me. NO sugar, NO carbs…that means no chips, no bread, no ice cream, no butter, no salts (or barely a dash) no rice, no pasta, nothing but nuts, protein, salads, veggies, fruits, and that’s about it. if you cannot dedicate yourself to a good diet, you can work out all you want and never see any results. Drink tons of water, green tea (hot or cold) w/ splenda and if you must have pop (or as you east coasters like to correct me “soda” though BOTH are WRONG it’s soda pop lol) VITAMINS, PEOPLE! You want to take a multi-vitamin daily, along with MSM (good for hair, skin and nails!) some fiber (who doesn’t like to poop easily?) Perfect Food pills (NOT the powder for drinks..ick!) to get all your veggie goodies, OMEGA 3 fish oil ESPECIALLY if you DO NOT EAT FISH! You NEED these! Iron for you ladies, unless your daily multi contains it…and that’s all I can think of for now. I take over 17 vitamin pills a day. ONCE you get to your target weight and frame, only THEN can you allow yourself ONE splurge day a week. if you do more than this, you will not be happy when you see the chunk come back. Also…NO DRINKING. Drinking is the top weight gainer out there.” -AC

Think I might just go off of this and see what happens. I mean, look at that bitch! She’s ripped! And by bitch, I mean badass.

Hooray for lifestyle changes!

“I bet ya could, ya burly bitch.”

Best line of 2010.

I’m going to be honest and spare everyone the “why the rant?” question and say outright, this is an anger-filled entry that is long overdue. As far as editing, well I suppose we’ll just see the end result and judge for ourselves.

Starting off, I’d like to pinpoint on a few “things” I’ve noticed as this year comes to a close, and no, the following list is no measure as to what’s more important simply due to its placement.

Reasons Why I Avoided Just About Everyone In 2009:

• You’re not worth my time.
• You’re a lying asshole.
• You’re a sneaky bitch.
• You’re ungrateful.
• I’m better than you.
• I’m worse than you.
• I’m over you.
• I’m over it.
• Family is means family. (Which includes respecting one another)
• You’re disrespectful.
• Your motivations are bottom feeding.
• Everyone else dislikes you and you do/don’t know it.
• You’re selfish.
• You’re jealous.
• I’m jealous.
• I’m too fat.
• I’m too ashamed to go out because I’m fat.
• I’m not that fat.
• I just don’t give a shit.
• I want to give a shit.
• Because my daughter means more to me than you ever have, or ever will.
• You’re arguments are, no joke, 100% invalid.

So in a nutshell, it’s plain to see how terrible this year was.  The one and only shining star, was my little star: Bella Madison. If ever a reason to keep going, to keep looking forward to happier, settled times, she is that reason. I’d be nothing without her.

Now, WHY am I writing this? Well, duh. It’s the closing of 2009 and having gone over the Christmas week in my head, replaying the horrific, crash festival that it turned out to be, I’m bitter and resentful that I’ve let myself become “that” person. You know who I mean. The one person anyone can do, say or push over on you without so much as a “fuck you, come again.” But don’t dare speak of me as being an ingrate. This is deserved, even if ignorant eyes are watching.

No more. My resolution isn’t to lose weight, or find happiness in the things and people that make me happy. Nope, those are out played and the records have long been broken. I will lose weight and I will find my inner peace and joy with my life. But my resolution is this: I will not, will not, tolerate, accept or take judgment from anyone, for any reason whatsoever. If you want to scam me for personal gain, good luck trying. If you are unwelcome, I will let you know. If even a small part of me doesn’t enjoy any small part of you, I’ll also make that clear.

I’m done laying down and pretending to be that good girl. I’m not, and neither are any of you. Thanks for helping me see this. Thank you. Thank you.

.to andrew & erika. Stay the same and I will change to be the better, strong willed person I know you see me as. love.

Michael Vick. Philadelphia Eagles. Two sides. Second chances. Blah, blah, blah.

I digress.

I am not for one second “on the fence” or “confused” as to my position on this particular matter. I am completely, solidly, 100% against him playing football, forget the fact that it’s for my home team. [Although that stings a bit.] Vick’s actions prior to his arrest were one step away from essentially being a serial killer. But, how many psychological profiles have been drawn up, stapled together and thrown into countless FBI, CIA and general law enforcement folders that list the “torture of animals and the enjoyment therein” as one of the main characteristics of a murderer? You’re nodding in realization to the comparison at this point?

Exactly.

He beat, electrocuted, drowned, starved and killed those dogs as if they were existing solely as a means to his daily pleasure. But let’s not forget the NFL. Crap, I forgot. He did that for fun.

So they caught him, he cried his apologies (along with many false tears), then sent him packing for two years. TWO YEARS. An atrocity of minimal time for crimes us minions would serve seven to ten years rotting in a dark hole [read: jail] for. Before jumping to conclusions, no, I am not singularly enraged at his short punishment, although I do believe it’s slightly (HUGELY) ridiculous, but again, who am I?

Now he’s been released, receiving a several million dollar payout and igniting a small civil war between the patrons of this already fickle city. Some are screaming “disgrace, sick, unbelievable” while others are calmly displaying their heartless needs for a winning team [it's our time, right?]. Selfish and wrong. I don’t believe individuals such as he can ever be truly remorseful. He’s simply full of regret for his capture and convictions. Embarrassing how it must be, when everyone turned their cold, hard shoulders to him once the whistle had been blown.

And now we’re supposed to, what exactly? Ignore the mentally sick crimes he committed for money (apparently, the NFL pays terribly) and accept him with open arms…because we are die-hard fans? Kiss my ass. No apologies to those this offends, nor will I go back on my words in regards to this subject.

He should have served a full prison term, remained banned/suspended from the National Football League and lived out the rest of his days with bloody hands and a constant sense of betrayal*. His supporters care nothing for him or what he had done. They see super bowl potential and a hail Mary pass into an end zone that will not hold the same excitement and fever as before, or, until he is gone from my city.

Oh, and don’t you dare accuse me of being an untrue fan. I suppose it’s life I care for more than a stained, over-expensively tossed pigskin.

_

PS. If Philadelphia believed in second chances so dearly, why is it, every year, all “fans” blast the team for the removal of Andy Reid? Remember folks, no one gives a shit about what you (or I) think.

PSS. But perhaps this stirs the pot a bit.

*…at the least.

I am walking/running the 5k challenge in my home city of Philadelphia, PA this year, in hopes of finding a cure for cancer. But, I cannot do that without your help. If you follow the link provided below, you will find my LS Donation page, to raise funds to battle against the #1 killer: Cancer.

I also have roughly 100 LiveStrong wrist bands on hand – 50 adult/50 youth, that I am selling for $2.00 a piece (2x the price for sale, simply to raise the maximum amount of donations possible!!). If you are interested, I am easily and readily available to draw up PayPal invoices for the desired amount of both quantity and total price – FREE SHIPPING! (Comment and I will contact you)

Again, even if you don’t have any spare cash or change to donate, drop me and email and I can send out promotional items, such as buttons and stickers to those interested in spreading the word and helping The Lance Armstrong Foundation!!

Link: http://bit.ly/1bws3J

Please pass the word along! I’m on Twitter @hernewobsession if you would like regular related updates on the progress as well as my general life rants!