You have everything you have ever desired to possess. Power. Talent. Success. Passion. You’re not just a ‘face in the crowd’ anymore. You have risen above. You’ve accomplished everything you’ve ever dreamed of doing. Hard work and fears pushed aside, you did it. You made the grade. Crossed the finish line. Conquered doubtful minds. Even made yourself believe for that precious moment in time. You were on top of the proverbial world.
Now imagine if none of that ever came to pass.
What would you feel like? Would life appear as nothing more than a cruel joke on instant replay? Would breathing be as natural, your heartbeat as strong, you mind as sharp? Would you even want to exist? Would ‘wasting time’ and ‘taking up space’ ring loud and reverberate through the hallowed out skull that creation has left you with?
Who can live like this? Why? Why would someone chose to muddle through another aimless day, a search that is never ending, for what you seek is blurry and at most, unobtainable. What if the road is too long for your unconditioned legs to travel? What happens to your vision when it becomes distorted with hateful glances from an inward angle. Who’s to blame?
I don’t understand, and perhaps I never shall be privy to such truths. What I do know, is that I am tired. I’m tired of feeling less than worthy to live a good life. To enjoy the simple pleasures of morning and the silence of the night. I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve let myself down. How does one rectify this grave mistake? Is a suggestion all it takes to find truth in the flesh and bones that carry me through existence?
How desperate for approval does one fight off, before it’s too late and you turn around and utter, “fuck it all,”? What if you could taste the sweet textures of what your future holds, but deceive the body’s sense as if it were a costumed madman waiting in the wings to have his way with you? When did believing become so taboo that it’s a sacred and misused concept as opposed to what it was meant for: the deliverance of hope and beauty to the mundane nature we as humans have grown to accept.
Oddly enough, BELIEVE happens to be my favorite word, written by the minds I so desire to become a part of. I’m at war with myself and without a doubt in my mind, my worst enemy to date.
I just wish there was a way to possess a clear and untainted feeling, if only once. No fear. No longing for better days. No believing in failure as a prone to ill guided genetics. Nothing. Just hope, belief, peace and serenity.
There are too many voices crying out to be heard, and I surely know mine is one that shouldn’t be taken above others. Trust me, I know it could be worse.
But this torture is beyond pain and discomfort. It’s breaking my spirit, and I need to know there’s a rope on its way down to me.
Imagine that.
Posted by Jackie under Personal| |One Response to “Imagine this..”
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June 12th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
To the love of my life,
You’re simultaneously the strongest and most sensitive person I know which may seem paradoxical, but it isn’t. Initially when something bad happens you’re downtrodden (that would be your sensitive side), but as a little time passes you can rise above it like a phoenix from the ashes (that’s your strong side).
This situation, and whatever feels you have associated with it, will come to pass in time. Just try to keep focused on what’s really important: your happiness, family, friends, your passions, your creativity, and anything else you hold dear. These are the things that stay with you. Everything else is fleeting.
<3