And it’s rocky, my friends. Is there any way to hold my head up without losing my dignity? I’m open for suggestion.

Just…wonderful. Yes, it is my new obsession. :->

Given the fact that I am currently on book 3 of 4 in the Twilight Saga, I won’t spoil myself by reading all 263 unedited pages of Midnight Sun (yet!) - Edward Cullen’s take on the original novel. However… I will link the official website of one, Stephenie Meyer, in hopes to continue the legal download of her now, unfinished book (thanks to the pirates who stole her work in progress, she is no longer finishing Midnight Sun).

So - in short, I am obsessed with Twilight and will write more on that later, but for the moment:

http://tinyurl.com/6nwbtv

** click photo above to be redirected to the photographers Flickr page. This shot was not taken by me…. though I do wish it was. **

Having posted my “resolutions” list only a couple of days back, I never expected to have my words challenge me so quickly. Explanation? Why, surely.

If you review my previous post here, you’ll notice that the first item on said list is “Do not ever give up hope.” Now, don’t get me wrong or misconstrue my own intentions concerning my life: I would not have written that (especially as the first ‘to-resolve’ marker out of 12) if I hadn’t planned on following through with it, my only complaint is the timing. I wrote those words on January 7th. On January 8th, I nearly lost hope.

A brief description as to why…

My pregnancy hasn’t been the storybook princess finds her prince charming type, probably as a result of my own stress induced…stress. I was utterly unprepared, shocked and left feeling quite alone in the beginning, through no fault of anyone but my own irresponsibility. Finding out your going to have a child while you’re on unemployment, living home with your parents, not married, not engaged and without health insurance is probably bad start, no? But, luckily I had the one advantage not many women in my described situation have: a good, loving man who’s just as in love with me, as I am with him (among many other pluses).

Then we hit the 12 week bleeding-blues, brought on by dehydration. If somehow I can stomach the strength to peer back in time, September 5th, 2008 changed my life. The amount of superstitions and mental what-ifs in my life had quadrupled, thus causing me to become semi depressed, alongside the budding symptoms of an introvert. No matter what I or anyone else had said to me during those two weeks on Doctor ordered bed rest, I could not grab the proverbial “bull by the horns” and find happiness in being pregnant anymore. It seemed as though the one thing I had hoped for so dearly was awarded to me, but I had not read the fine print beneath that ever present life-asterisk.*

Do I think I am getting my just desserts? I’m not the one who can call such a unfavorable shot, but I am discovering the moral of the story: I am thankful. I am thankful for being without a job, without his last name, without my own roof for her to call “home,” without a proper beginning to her start. I am thankful for these lessons learned from all the withouts, all of the desires - fulfilled and lacking, all of the pain and blood, the tests failed and yet to be performed, because it’s all here to teach me one single lesson:

The personal resolve to never, ever give up hope.

Resolutions. Code word for goals, perhaps? Most of us are unsure as to which side we pair ourselves with throughout the year (especially in the beginning of another 365 day revolution) but the lines seems blurry to me.

Do I resolve myself to giving up fatty foods and unsightly/unhealthy habits? Or do I lay the tracks for what should be a productive twelve months ahead of me, based on my unfulfilled desires to date? The latter seems more goal-oriented then setting another “resolution” with myself. Either way, I’ve had exactly 7 days to mull over my “want to accomplish” ideas/items since ringing in 2009, so please take it for what its worth: absolutely nothing to [most] of you, and absolutely everything to me.

RESOLUTION 2009:

1. Do not ever give up hope.
2. Always pray for the things I’ve been given, as well as that which I haven’t been offered.
3. Set my life according to my watch. Too often do I revolve my schedules around others, forgetting my wants in the process.
4. Be kind to my family. I wouldn’t be here without them, or their support.
5. Leave the past exactly where it is: in the past.
6. Stay focused. I often overwhelm myself with personal interests and end up wasting hours staring at walls, the end resulting in 0 productivity.
7. Be calm. The world is terrible enough without adding stress to my life. [We don't need another hot head!]
8. Find my passion and follow it through the gates of hell, just to see it through.
9. Be a good mother, friend, lover and relative.
10. Always be ready for change, and always accept it with open arms.
11. Do not fear the unknown. We’re all in this together.
12. Write.*

So, dare I pose the diablical question - Resolutions or Goals? I see a few elements of both parties in my long-short list, but I doubt the definition determines the outcome. In closing, here’s praying I have more success in 2009 then I did in 2008, whether it be earned, given or fallen upon my lap.

*Definitely a goal. Just to clarify.

Is officially her new obsession.

Two words:

Watch out.

It’s coming.

__

UPDATE: Obviously, I never wrote this post. And it seems silly at the moment to complete said promise. Perhaps when our favorite caped crusader flaps into IMAX theaters later this month will I follow through with this.

Haters are gonna hate.

It’s women like these that make my brain ache with the overwhelming desire to reach across the table and slam that cast iron pan across their ridiculous skulls.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Jealous tendencies occur when one is unable to afford said “sexist” gadget, and thus, it turns into this tell tale debate on whether Apple or the iPhone is “complying with societies childish rules,” just to pass the politically correct exam at the end of the year.

This post is dedicated to all the non bitchy women in the world, who like myself, appreciate the iPhone for what it is, and not what [ridiculous] need of yours it doesn’t “fulfill.”

You have everything you have ever desired to possess. Power. Talent. Success. Passion. You’re not just a ‘face in the crowd’ anymore.  You have risen above. You’ve accomplished everything you’ve ever dreamed of doing. Hard work and fears pushed aside, you did it. You made the grade. Crossed the finish line. Conquered doubtful minds. Even made yourself believe for that precious moment in time. You were on top of the proverbial world.

Now imagine if none of that ever came to pass.

What would you feel like? Would life appear as nothing more than a cruel joke on instant replay? Would breathing be as natural, your heartbeat as strong, you mind as sharp? Would you even want to exist? Would ‘wasting time’ and ‘taking up space’ ring loud and reverberate through the hallowed out skull that creation has left you with?

Who can live like this? Why? Why would someone chose to muddle through another aimless day, a search that is never ending, for what you seek is blurry and at most, unobtainable. What if the road is too long for your unconditioned legs to travel? What happens to your vision when it becomes distorted with hateful glances from an inward angle. Who’s to blame?

I don’t understand, and perhaps I never shall be privy to such truths. What I do know, is that I am tired. I’m tired of feeling less than worthy to live a good life. To enjoy the simple pleasures of morning and the silence of the night. I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve let myself down. How does one rectify this grave mistake? Is a suggestion all it takes to find truth in the flesh and bones that carry me through existence?

How desperate for approval does one fight off, before it’s too late and you turn around and utter, “fuck it all,”? What if you could taste the sweet textures of what your future holds, but deceive the body’s sense as if it were a costumed madman waiting in the wings to have his way with you? When did believing become so taboo that it’s a sacred and misused concept as opposed to what it was meant for: the deliverance of hope and beauty to the mundane nature we as humans have grown to accept.

Oddly enough, BELIEVE happens to be my favorite word, written by the minds I so desire to become a part of. I’m at war with myself and without a doubt in my mind, my worst enemy to date.

I just wish there was a way to possess a clear and untainted feeling, if only once. No fear. No longing for better days. No believing in failure as a prone to ill guided genetics. Nothing. Just hope, belief, peace and serenity.

There are too many voices crying out to be heard, and I surely know mine is one that shouldn’t be taken above others. Trust me, I know it could be worse.

But this torture is beyond pain and discomfort. It’s breaking my spirit, and I need to know there’s a rope on its way down to me.

Imagine that.